Abundant Rain Read online

  “I miss him so much, Nina.”

  “I know you do.”

  “He was so good to me.” She grabbed some tissue, wiped her eyes, and blew her nose. “I can still hear him saying ‘Hey Beautiful.’ Her eyes filled. “It’s just so hard to keep waking up every morning, knowing that he won’t be there.”

  “I know it’s not easy, honey, but Kenneth wouldn’t want you to go out like this.” She hugged her friend and sighed. “Your first experience with the sovereignty of God is a real trip.”

  “If only I could wipe away all these years, and go back to the day when I first received Jesus.”

  Nina produced a weak smile. “To the place of innocence.”

  “Yeah, before we knew anything about the sovereignty of God.” Elizabeth started crying again. She turned away from her friend and snuggled into her pillow.

  “Don’t shut me out, Elizabeth. Don’t ever shut me out again.” She pulled at Elizabeth’s shoulder and made her face her. Tears welled up in Nina’s hazel eyes. “I mean it, girl. If you’re feeling lonely or sad or just need to talk, call me. Don’t let things build up like this.”

  “Why are you crying?” Elizabeth reached up and wiped a tear from Nina’s cheek.

  “I just can’t imagine this world without you, and I sure don’t want to be in heaven without my home girl.”

  When Elizabeth took those pills, it didn’t cross her mind that suicide was one of those do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-a-hundred-dollars-just-take-your-butt-straight-to-hell kind of sin. “I just felt so tired, Nina.”

  Nina stood and kissed her friend’s forehead. “Think of it this way. Your situation, everything you’re going through just means that God found you worthy to be considered.”

  “Considered? What do you mean?”

  “Remember the story of Job, when Satan came to God? God asked him, ‘Have you considered My servant Job? How there is none like him.’”

  That revelation put Elizabeth in a snit. “So are you saying that God is playing Russian Roulette with my life?”

  “No, I’m not saying that. But what I am saying is,” she pointed to one of the posters on the wall. “Think it not strange concerning the fiery trials that come to try you.”

  Elizabeth closed her eyes. Sometimes it helped to shut out the pain, but not this time. “I’m hurting, Nina. Can you understand that? I don’t know how to live without him.”

  “Mmmh, but you are going to make it. You will live.”

  “Yeah? How can you be sure?”

  “Because if you try something like this again, I’m going to beat you down.”

  Laughter was good for her, like a medicine.

  ***

  Debra handed Andrew a tabloid newspaper. The woman on the cover was beautiful. Deep chocolate skin tone and sad eyes. And no wonder, he thought, as he read the caption: Christian singing sensation attempts suicide after catching her fiancé in love tryst with another man.

  He looked up at Debra, a question in his eyes.

  “Her name is Elizabeth Underwood,” she told him. “Your name is Kenneth Underwood. She’s your wife.”

  Kenneth sat lifeless, momentarily dumbfounded. He looked back at the picture, then shook his head in disbelief. “But, she’s engaged.”

  “She must have finally given up on finding you, assuming you were dead.”

  He shook his head again. “What do you mean? How do you know all this?”

  Debra handed him another piece of paper. This one had his picture on it. The words on the paper tore at his heart. Lost September 11, 2001. If you’ve seen Kenneth, please call Elizabeth Underwood. He’s all we have. We need him. He pulled his gaze from the paper and looked at his caregiver, the woman he called friend. “Where did you find this paper?”

  She wouldn’t meet his gaze. “At the family memorial site.”

  He stood up, grabbing his cane for support. It click, click, clicked on the uncarpeted floor as he paced back and forth. He rubbed his left temple with his thumb and index finger. “When did you find it?”

  Her eyes were downcast as she opened her mouth to answer his question. No sound exited. She closed her mouth and looked up at him. He stood in front of her, waiting. “Andrew, I mean Kenneth, I-I’m sorry – truly sorry for what I-”

  “How long have you known?” His words vibrated against the walls of his small cottage.

  She jumped. “I found several flyers taped on poles and the walls of the viewing areas not far from where the Trade Center used to be a little over two years ago. Actually, I found them the same day I discovered I was pregnant. I thought about telling you.” She reached for his hand, but he pulled away from her. “You’ve got to believe me. I know I was selfish, but I wanted my baby so badly. I was so worried that if you weren’t around to pray for me I might miscarry again.”

  “How could you be so cruel and thoughtless?”

  “I didn’t intend to keep you away from your family forever, Kenneth. As soon as I had my baby I called your wife.”

  Kenneth’s eyes blazed with interest. “What happened? Why didn’t she come to get me if…” he held up the flyer and continued, “they needed me so much?”

  “I never talked to her,” Debra confessed. “Her manager answered the phone. He flew into New York the same day I spoke with him.” Debra put her hands to her face to cover her eyes. “Oh, God, Kenneth please forgive me. That man gave me twenty thousand dollars to keep you with us and never call Elizabeth again.”

  He lifted his cane to pummel her. I’ll just plead insanity, he thought. Yeah, that’ll work. No judge in the world would convict me.

  Debra lifted her arms to protect her face. “Andrew, no!” She scurried across the room. “I never meant to hurt your family. How was I to know this would happen? He told me that Elizabeth had sold all of your possessions and embarked on a singing career. He said she didn’t want you in her life anymore. I’m so sorry, Kenneth, but that’s what he told me.”

  He moved away from Debra and stood at the window, looking pass the confines of her small home. His children were out there somewhere. They were probably scared and feeling alone right now. His precious wife had shown how little she cared about their children. She’d evidently preferred death to living without her fiancé. “So to keep your child, you sacrificed my whole family,” he said to Debra without looking her way.

  10

  Elizabeth couldn’t sleep. She lay in bed thinking over the conversation she’d had with Michael and her mother earlier that day. They told her it was time to forgive God and move on. He had said that she needed to realize that bad things do happen to good people. Or to put it more Biblically, He caused the rain to fall on the just and the unjust. Or was it the sun? Ah, she didn’t know – but one followed the other anyway. If God causes the sun to shine on all, then He also lets the rain fall on all.

  “I know what happened to Kenneth threw you for a loop. It would have thrown me also. But it’s been over two years. Please, please try to understand. God never promised us that the rain wouldn’t fall. But if we trust Him through the storm, He will bring us peace,” Michael had explained.

  “I don’t know, Michael. I just don’t know if I can trust God with my life anymore.”

  Michael scooted his seat closer to the bed. “Elizabeth, I love you, but right now I need to tell you something that may cause you not to like me very much.”

  Elizabeth shrugged. “That never stopped you before.”

  “Whatever, big head.” He harrumphed, then loosened his tie. “I believe that your life is a representation of the story Jesus told in the book of Luke concerning seed falling among thorns.”

  “That is ridiculous, I have been in-”

  Michael raised his hand. “Just think about the description Jesus gave of this type of Christian. First of all, we both know that the seed is the Word of God. Jesus told His disciples that when the Word of God is received, he or she would then go forth into ministry. But the cares of the world eventually choke the Word, and the pers
on becomes unfruitful.”

  Elizabeth looked away, but found herself staring at another of her brother’s dag-blasted posters. Although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

  “I guess what I’m trying to say is, when you accepted Jesus into your heart, you were converted. But now it’s time for you to be transformed.”

  Elizabeth rubbed at her temple. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “It’s simple,” Michael said as he sat up straight assuming his usual soldier position. “When you got saved, you were converted from making your own decisions and doing everything your own way. You have a Savior that you’re supposed to pray to, and receive direction from. But being transformed is the process of becoming more like Christ. It’s when you begin to desire the things that God desires. And to be quite honest, Elizabeth, when you are truly transformed, you will know the peace of God, even for what you are going through right now.”

  Tears cascaded down Elizabeth’s face. “Don’t you think I want peace, Michael? I just don’t know how to get it.”

  “Ask God for it.”

  Elizabeth shifted in her bed. “I’m still waiting on God to do the last thing I asked Him for.”

  Michael rubbed her shoulder and sighed. “Have you forgotten about the heroes of faith in the book of Hebrews? They died in the faith, believing God, even though they never received what they wanted.”

  “You don’t have to worry about seeing my name mixed up with Abraham or Moses. God will have to earn my trust before I start believing in Him again.”

  “Elizabeth, don’t stop believing. Don’t stop trusting God.”

  Elizabeth crossed her arms around her slim body. “God and I are at a stand still. It’s His move,” she said with a smirk.

  Later, when she was alone, she didn’t feel much like smirking. She wanted to cry out to God and beg Him to provide her with His peace. She looked up to heaven and demanded, “Why couldn’t You give me the one thing I asked? No, I didn’t just ask, I begged You for Kenneth’s safe return – why didn’t it happen?”

  During the early years of her walk with the Lord, God actually talked to her as she prayed. But she hadn’t heard from God since Kenneth’s demise. She hadn’t noticed when God stopped communing with her. Hadn’t cared. She lived a lie. But tonight was different from the last two years of midnight storms that she suffered through alone. Tonight, she needed to be God’s beloved. Even if He wasn’t her beloved, she needed God to care enough to make her His again. Tears sprang to her eyes as she realized that she not only wanted God, but also desired His presence more than anything else. “Why don’t You speak to me anymore? Oh, God, do You know how miserable I am? Do You know that I cry myself to sleep almost every night?”

  Silence.

  “When is it going to end?” She gave the Lord a weak smile as the tears continued to flow down her face. “I tried to end it. When I took those pills, I didn’t expect to wake up – I thought it would all be over. But I know Nina’s right.” She wiped away some tears to make way for the current of new ones bubbling in her sorrow-filled eyes. “If I… I had killed myself; I wouldn’t have p -- peace from my situation, because I would be in hell right now. I know that it was nothing but Your mercy that kept me out of hell. I don’t know how to thank You for that. I don’t even know if I want to thank You just yet. But Lord, if You could just give me peace from my problems tonight. Help me to sleep and not desire to die before I wake. Then maybe, I’ll be ready to thank You for Your kindness to me.”

  She pulled the covers up and turned over in bed. Michael had left his Bible on her nightstand. It was open to Psalm 29. She picked it up and read:

  The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord is enthroned as King forever. The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace.

  Tears rolled down her face as she closed the Bible and snuggled into her pillow.

  ***

  Tommy shook his head as he shredded yet another grocery store tabloid that had a picture of him and Elizabeth on the cover with the caption, Gospel singing sensation attempts suicide after catching her manager/fiancé in gay love tryst.

  It wasn’t fair that reporters could print this trash. That punk, Nigel; Anything for a fast buck. He should have known. They were making matters worse for Elizabeth. It wasn’t fair that Elizabeth was in the hospital after crumbling under the weight of his sins. He should be the one in the hospital right now. He should be dead. All of this was his fault. If he hadn’t paid that woman off years ago…

  “God, why are You never here when anyone needs You? Why do You choose to ignore our pain?” Tommy roared, deciding that this was all God’s fault.

  God had been ignoring him for years, and he knew why. He had the Bible right next to him. He opened it and turned to the first chapter of Romans and read the offending words that had separated him from God. His lips formed a snarl as he slammed the Bible shut. “Nothing’s changed there,” he said. He turned his venom on God. “So that’s it then? You have given me over? You have turned me away from Your sight? I am offensive to You!” He stood up and flung the Bible across the room. “Fine, I don’t need You.

  “What did You ever do for me anyway? I’m the one that was molested by one of Your church people. And now You condemn me. You turned Your righteous back on the things that were done to me!”

  Tommy made his decision. He wasn’t going to hell on a humble, trying so hard to do right. Slipping and falling, then feeling miserable about the sins he’d committed was getting old. Forget that! If he was destined to dwell with the grim reaper after six feet of dirt swallowed him up, he was going in style and with a smile. “Don’t look now, my Lord. ‘Cause if You think what I’ve done so far was bad, I’m going to really shock Your sanctimonious system.” Tommy picked up his keys and strutted out of the house. Hotlanta hadn’t seen nothing yet.

  He cruised the streets with a predatory eye. Watching and waiting for his heart’s desire. He was free, no longer bound by God’s unjust laws. Yeah, he was going to enjoy his fast and furious ride to hell.

  11

  Elizabeth awoke the next morning refreshed. Her demons had not plagued her through the night. A strange feeling washed over her with the morning light. A kind of knowing. A separation from what was, to what is. She smiled. God had answered her prayer – she was at peace.

  Peace. The word, the emotion was foreign to her. Maybe it wasn’t foreign anymore, because she was definitely caught up in this emotion now. She had only experienced glimpses of this thing called peace in the thirty-five years she’d been on earth. Always too worried about what somebody thought about her deep chocolate complexion to ever relax around anyone. Always had to show them that she was all right. No. She was better than all right. She was the best at whatever she put her mind to doing. She had almost succeeded in convincing herself too. After all, she had a bachelor’s degree, and an MBA. She had snagged a top-notch corporate job, when so-called friends told her that all her credentials wouldn’t mean a thing against her dark skin.

  Well, she got the last laugh on them, but she stopped laughing after she married Kenneth. Seven years into their marriage, he up and cheated on her with a white woman. All those you’re-not-good-enough-darky thoughts came tumbling back like the dawn crashing into a sunset. No, she hadn’t known much peace with Kenneth, even after he’d left his girlfriend, came back home, and rocked her world. Her doubts and mistrust clouded the love that ran hot and bold between them.

  But today was new and fresh. Today, she woke up trusting God. She finally believed that God had the power to see her through. He had shown her mercy, hadn’t He? First, by not letting her die when she foolishly took more than a dozen sleeping pills, and later, by granting her peace to make it through the waking hours. And if she awoke in peace, maybe, just maybe, she would also find some peace to lay down with tonight.

  Tonight, she t
hought with a smile. She was going home today and would sleep in her own bed. Her children would be there. She missed holding them, being with them. And even though she knew it wouldn’t be the way it was when their father was alive – it could still be good. She would make it good. Elizabeth could hardly wait for Michael to arrive and take her home.

  The words of a song by Tonya Baker, a wonderful new gospel artist, crippled her heart: You still show mercy. Every time I wake up, new mercy I receive. She needed God’s mercy. No way could she make it through all of this drama without it. “Oh, God, please forgive me. I thought the only reason I was miserable was because Kenneth was no longer with me. But maybe my misery stems from the disintegration of my relationship with You. I used to pray, Lord. You know, I used to pray all the time. But when things happened the way they did, I thought, what’s the use?”

  She put her hands over her face. “I’m so tired of being miserable. Help me!” She thought over what Michael said about being transformed rather than just being converted. She pleaded, “Transform my life, Lord. I need to know what that feels like.”

  She got out of bed and walked over to the window. A whole world was just outside this hospital that she had yet to experience. Yeah, she had been many places. Touring to promote a new CD was necessary, but she had yet to really experience any of the places she visited. She had never tasted the peaches in Georgia. Never noticed the sleepless nights in New York. Never witnessed the gusty winds of Chicago. She was so busy being rushed from plane to cab, building to limo, that she didn’t have a chance to experience anything.

  Her nurse walked into the room and eyed her standing by the window as if she thought Elizabeth might jump.

  Elizabeth tried not to laugh at the nervous looks her nurse, Ronda, gave her. She smiled as she asked, “Do you think it would be okay if I took a walk around the hospital? I feel like getting out.”